In Summary

I'm getting tired of my own story about me and Jessica! Something that always will make me respect authors. How do you not get tired of a story???

In short, I came home and being back in a family situation made me depressed. Family = depression it's a short equation but as accurate as can be. Jessica and I bonded through depression again and as I was hanging out with my brother's friends (I couldn't find my own how sad was I?), I invited her. She invited another guy, without asking us until the last minute, and we said yes. She ended up having sex with the guy that night and blamed me for it!!! Because I told her that I could tell he liked her. And I encouraged her to be around someone who liked her. God forbid that I mention at this time that she chooses her own actions...if I blamed someone else for every mistake I made, though, I'd probably have an inflated sense of self too. Of course, he ended up being abusive, in between being great and oh won't you be friends with him. And while he was being abusive, of course I suggested that she leave him and live with me or whoever. Of course I picked her up when she was scared of him, came over when she was scared of him, but eventually I ended up feeling like I hadn't done enough to protect her. Because she's amazing at playing the victim. While we were in college, she told me she'd tried to commit suicide after her (other) boyfriend left her (she told him to go home to Spain). She later denied this but I do have a good memory for emotional crises, unlucky for her as that may be.

When she broke up with her boyfriend, she talked about taking up running. She talked about marathons when she hadn't worked out at all. I cautioned her to take it easy, I didn't want her to get excited about it and then disappointed...then feel depressed about her break up. Later she referred to this as me "doubting" her. I was one of the naysayers, apparently, in her striving to run a marathon. What??? Of course, by that time I was conditioned to feel bad about anything I didn't do for her, so it made me feel awful! Was I that abusive?

She came over to my house to hang out with me and ended up hanging out with my roommate, exchanging numbers with her, and being friends with her. Did I mention she did this in high school too? And when I was dating a guy after she broke up with the "abusive" man, she practically begged me to hang out with him. I grasped for boundaries as I told her "NO" and I didn't know why but I didn't trust her. Had I taken the time to look back on it (my fault, completely, no sarcasm), I wouldn't been better able to phrase it. Instead I said I was insecure with her around my boyfriend and I knew other people were too. She felt "betrayed"...although I invited her to a party in which she met her current boyfriend (good luck to him). At the party I introduced her to him and his friends, knowing they were environmental. I told them where she worked to get conversation going, trying to help. She was mad at me the next day! Even though she hit it off with a guy due to environmental similarities. Even though I mentioned her when he was driving away alone on his bike.

I ended up becoming so frustrated by her anxiety about him that I gave her his number and INSISTED that she text him. I told her I'd do it myself if she needed. She did it and met him for coffee the same days. Cupid, as they say, was present with arrows. A couple of months later, she was on the phone, almost crying because her boyfriend did not believe she had friends. She said to me, you're the one who got me into this relationship anyway! What do you know? It worked. I appeared at an event as her friend.

Oh and I neglected to mention that her birthday right before that consisted of ALL of my friends. She invited them all, shamelessly, and because I said I'd be there, they went as well. I WANTed her to be happy and not to feel friendless on her birthday. But this set a pattern of taking my friends as her own which only ended with our friendship.

She contacted me regularly regarding her new relationship. She couldn't trust him. She had issues. MAJOR ones. I helped her through them. I mean, come on, I have worked with enough dysfunctional people in my life (including me) to know how to help someone through a crisis...

I went to a show that she had emailed about. Her boyfriend was going and I hadn't been out to show that I was her "friend" in quite a while. I asked my roommate and she bailed like I felt like bailing. I met my current boyfriend there (good luck to him), and she actually supported me in contacting him for a date. Soon after, though, our relationship went beyond south.

I was happy with my boyfriend and she was fretting about the same problems she fretted about over the last six months! I told her she deserved better, I told her to stop fretting, and this was only after counseling her for six months... however, she couldn't handle the thought of my boyfriend (her boyfriend's good friend) talking about her to me. That was it. I was no longer her puppy dog, and she was no longer in control of the situation. She "needed a break" from my negativity, aka my no longer blindly believing and telling her that she was amazing. I was so appalled by her idiocy that I couldn't welcome her back after her "break". I told her I couldn't be a very good friend to her at the time. She said she couldn't be friends at all. Always with the trump card.

What am I angry about? no one else knows this story. My boyfriend hears it but ignores it because he doesn't want to lose his good friend. Our mutual friends ignore it like I'm crazy. I believed I was crazy for a long while before I re-examined the kinds of friends I chose to be around. I want to know why people who I thought loved me and trusted me, do not want to protect me or comfort me because of this person. I feel rejected, ashamed, neglected, because no one acknowledges that this has happened. I want the TRUTH to come out and be heard, believed. MY truth. God help me find peace, because it has been a long time and I still haven't found it. Amen.

College Liberation, for Me

Now, it took me 3 years to really achieve liberation in college. Anyone who would hear the price to pay - 2 years of being in limbo - would likely not choose this avenue. Had I known that for 2 years I'd either be lonely, insecure, or abused, I would not have chosen that route. It was all worth it, though, I guarantee it.

While we were in college, Jessica kept in contact with me via email. We got into this pattern of emailing once per month about the sad state our lives were in. Sometimes we would narrate the sad state of our lives in an amusing way, to take the edge off. It worked really well, although I must admit that even in college I grew irritated with Jessica's need to brag about herself. She did it ALL of the time, in the midst of belaboring her successes. It would go like this - I got elected President of the student body, against my will, but they just liked me so much that they did it anyway. Now I have to go to all of these meetings...etc. I mean you hear that once and it's passable, but over and over again about every accomplishment and you start to wonder what the meaning is.

One time, my senior year (and heyday oh yes look it up it's a word!), I decided I would, just for kicks, brag just like she did about everything going on in my life. I laid it on thick! Boyfriend, dog, boys I was flirting with, working out every day, Peace Corps, my life's meaning, finally feeling like I was getting somewhere! All of these things I was super happy about anyway but no way did I ever put it out there in a braggy sort of way for anyone! I was happy, I didn't need anyone else's approval to be happy. Her response came almost immediately but I got it much later...she was depressed because her life didn't measure up to mine. This moment was truly a hallmark in our relationship and I should have realized it...but my developmental maturity was literally retarded...I had ceased being the supportive puppy. She was not happy about it. It made her depressed. My success = her depression. What???? I have never, and I still have problems believing this, thought that my actions had that effect on ANYone in my life. Later I figured out that they must have, believe it or not.

Return Home, My depression, Our Reunification, My Fault for everything.

Coming up...

Toxic Relationships

Chapter 2 - High School

There is nothing like life to question your morals, and to test how strongly you'd like to stick to them. As I maneuvered through my childhood and into adolescence with depression (undiagnosed) that manifested itself through anxiety in social situations, a debilitating and overwhelming sad feeling at the pit of my stomach, and tantrums in my teenage years (oh yes I still have them and people describe them as chemically triggered shut downs), I realized I was no match for the overwhelmingly normal kids who flaunted their normalcy in the classrooms. I was ugly and unlikable, oh and UNLIKE anyone else so obviously I was wrong. My family reveled in being different, but I didn't. I saw value in getting along with others, not proving how much better than others I was! And either way I was wrong -- either way I didn't get along with either crowd I just told myself how awful I was in any situation I found myself.

Jessica was home schooled in the middle school years and found herself in much the same insecure state that I did when she came back to the public school system in high school. Who wouldn't? Honestly, seeing how much her plight was like mine, I loved her for it. At times, she was so humble and honest, I felt like I was talking to another version of me and the connection was amazing. She was able to thrive more in HS, which I wasn't, and there were times that she'd try to bring me up with her. She'd tell me how pretty I looked, I looked like a model, or she'd let me help her on one of her projects. Other times, she'd remind me how much of a loser I was, and convey to me how frustrated she was by the lack of eventfulness in our lives. She would even get angry and not want to talk to me, because I didn't have anything to offer her. This set an excellent stage of my being the lesser, pleasing servant; and her being the better, more amazing overall, person.

End of Chapter 2...now we stroll on to college, where I chose, subconsciously, to get away from my childhood influences. How was I so wise to do so? I wish I knew...it was one of the smartest things I've ever done.

A Vent for Emotional Release

I have spent three years trying to be the better person, take the higher road, and then sometimes struggling to argue with others about why I am ALLOWED to NOT be the better person, NOT take the higher road.

Three or so years ago, one of my "friends" left me a tearful voicemail stating that she could not be friends with me any longer. It has wreaked a havoc in my life that is rooted in childhood triggers and in how unfairly she treated me, yet how she is viewed as a saint by all she knows. Like being friends with an angel who stabs you in the back and only through the piercing pain do you discover that it was really Satan all along.

This person's name is Jessica Wilson. Yep, it's her real name. I'm stating this because I feel there should be a warning for toxic people out there, and I know nobody reads my blog anyway. It is cathartic to know that there is even the minute possibility that someone might read this and be warned by it.

I met Jessica in 4th grade, when I went from bilingual classes (translation: classes for illegal immigrants - mostly - who did not know English), to private schools. My parents (another venting blog altogether) thought that I needed the Spanish in my life, then they changed their minds or somehow imagined that transitioning to all English, and overmore, all wealthy, classes would somehow be healthy for me. So Jessica showed me around my first day in private school. I remember that she wasn't super excited to do so, only wanting to interact with her friend who came along with us. Later this was made to be our poetic first day of meeting (by Jessica), in which our relationship began to grow from a seedling of a tour. I remember talking to my mother about how disturbed I was by Jessica's mean behavior. Coming from an emotionally abusive home in which my father cycled through angry episodes and took them out on us...I KNEW what mean was. And Jessica was it! My mother would complain to me about my father being the tyrant that he was, so I knew I needed to complain about Jessica. My mother's recommendation, wise (and wouldn't it have been great if she had followed it herself?) was to stop being friends with Jessica. I tried to convince our mutual friends to do so, thinking that they had been hurt so much by her that really they were the ones who needed to be protected. The creepiest moment I recall from my childhood was telling my friends that we should stop being friends with her, as they complained about how mean she was, and Jessica popped her head down and said, go ahead I don't care...or something to that effect. CREEPY!!! I thought she was going to hurt me, literally. From that point, I kept my distance. She was one of those friends who took those physical games a little too literally and I knew all too well she would be gunning for me for trying to protect other people from her. Our mutual friends, by the way, like victims in domestic violence cases, withdrew their criticisms of her and pledged their loyalty to her so like always...the Joan of Arc gets burned at the stake. Thanks, ladies. And I wonder why I don't feel so close to any of them anymore. :)

Here's Chapter 1 of my relationship with Jessica. It's complicated, confusing, and multi dimensional.

I'll say, at this point in my life, I knew I didn't want to be around abusive people and I had pegged Jessica as abusive. Later on, I realized that I knew best how to deal with abusive people, in fact I had learned how to be abusive, and THIS was when I learned to be friends with an abusive person again.

Objective 3: Participating

This week the objective is participating. Some might say "external meditation"...

But really, it's interacting with the environment around you without too much analytical thinking. It's really hard for me to do...and I think, a whole week! Shoo-ee I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try!

So what are some examples of participating? One obvious example is conversation or in forums when speaking with other people. Listen, form thoughts, and jump in! Learn as you go, don't stop to think about what you're going to say or have said...just let yourself flow. Another example is at work. Don't just follow your routine and be an automaton -- fully throw yourself into it and grow from that experience. Making decisions with a significant other or coworkers? Dive into it and provide your opinion.

Are you afraid of participating? I know I am...but I was reading an interview with Nelson Mandela today, and he said that courage was not the absence of fear, but the overcoming of fear. Yes, yes, we've all heard that before...but I thought back to Nelson Mandela's autobiography, in which he describes himself as shy when he was younger...and I think to myself. Self, I say, what if he is such a brave and corageous hero today because he overcame so much fear when he was younger and afraid of everything? Maybe my fear of things is my greatest virtue, as long as I do right by it...

Maybe the only thing to fear is NOT fear itself, but actually the inability to overcome fear. And participate.

So participate away, cheer yourself on while doing it, and don't let those obstacles get in your way!!!

Emotional Disturbance

Howdy all!

So this weekend I spent a bit of a rough time recovering from depressive thoughts. They were a little too intense for me to get out of, so I made an appointment with my therapist today and this is what she said! :)

Today my therapist told me that I like to control my relationships and that controlling other people is impossible. She told me I set so many expectations for the boys that I date, that they become frustrated. Apparently, I ask them to do something and say that then I'll trust them...but then keep asking them to do more and more things. The key to my escape from frustrating, caustic, and argumentative relationships is letting go of my need to control and accepting that I must decide to trust that person until I have evidence indicating otherwise.

And the moment I even THINK about that, panic begins to set in. It begins with a little feeling of unrest in my stomach, and a small voice in my head that grows louder and louder, shouting NO! It spreads to the rest of me until I feel like springing out of my chair and running away from the source of discomfort, running until I can't go anymore. Yeeks!

How do you let go of control in a relationship, but still trust? How do you keep from lining up an obstacle course for your significant other, but still let him know that you are worth him living up to some standards? How do you know, absolutely KNOW that most guys will cheat at some point in their lives -- being genetically engineered to do so -- and yet, still trust them? It's like jumping into the fire after you've already been burned by the hot pan on top of it!!! This is what my mind thinks and doesn't want to let go. It holds on to these thoughts like it's having a tug of war with my therapist. But even if my thoughts win the tug of war, what do they have? A piece of rope.

So what is life without trying for love? What is love if it's just going to end up hurting you? Why have I held onto such antiquated thoughts of love for so many years? The thought of letting go of my romantic notions just makes me want to give up living (not really just being dramatic), but the thought of holding on makes my rational side cringe in anticipated pain... Yeeks, I say!

Yet I'm working on it...what do I know anyway. What if I just concentrated on this month, this year, this decade? What if I thought of love not as a lifetime commitment, but just your connection with someone that you'll never forget. Maybe the thing to strive for is not everlasting love, but that bond that lasts through the years, cuts through barriers, and leaves you a better person no matter how it ends. Some connections will end sooner, some later, but if you just trust the strength of that connection, you will always have love with you.

I still feel panicky...

Objective 2...

I don't think I really like this objective. I am always questioning myself and why I feel things, to the extent that I think I do it too much and think about it too much.

I really think the key for me is not obstacles, but just letting myself feel the emotions while repeating what I know to be rationally true over and over and making me listen to myself. :-)

Has anyone had any success with this obstacles thing? I think given that I really don't like and/or understand this week's objective, I'm going to start next week's early. Starting today, I'm going to throw myself into whatever I'm doing. No more spacing out, worrying about other things that have happened that day. No more texting while I'm out with other people. No more being a slave to my phone no matter what I'm doing. I will attempt to fully concentrate AND participate in whatever I'm doing.

Why did I choose to do this right before going to a meeting where I don't know anyone??? Eek!!!

I'll write a more formal post on the objective on Sunday, but I just wanted to vent my frustration and plan of action before that.