College Liberation, for Me

Now, it took me 3 years to really achieve liberation in college. Anyone who would hear the price to pay - 2 years of being in limbo - would likely not choose this avenue. Had I known that for 2 years I'd either be lonely, insecure, or abused, I would not have chosen that route. It was all worth it, though, I guarantee it.

While we were in college, Jessica kept in contact with me via email. We got into this pattern of emailing once per month about the sad state our lives were in. Sometimes we would narrate the sad state of our lives in an amusing way, to take the edge off. It worked really well, although I must admit that even in college I grew irritated with Jessica's need to brag about herself. She did it ALL of the time, in the midst of belaboring her successes. It would go like this - I got elected President of the student body, against my will, but they just liked me so much that they did it anyway. Now I have to go to all of these meetings...etc. I mean you hear that once and it's passable, but over and over again about every accomplishment and you start to wonder what the meaning is.

One time, my senior year (and heyday oh yes look it up it's a word!), I decided I would, just for kicks, brag just like she did about everything going on in my life. I laid it on thick! Boyfriend, dog, boys I was flirting with, working out every day, Peace Corps, my life's meaning, finally feeling like I was getting somewhere! All of these things I was super happy about anyway but no way did I ever put it out there in a braggy sort of way for anyone! I was happy, I didn't need anyone else's approval to be happy. Her response came almost immediately but I got it much later...she was depressed because her life didn't measure up to mine. This moment was truly a hallmark in our relationship and I should have realized it...but my developmental maturity was literally retarded...I had ceased being the supportive puppy. She was not happy about it. It made her depressed. My success = her depression. What???? I have never, and I still have problems believing this, thought that my actions had that effect on ANYone in my life. Later I figured out that they must have, believe it or not.

Return Home, My depression, Our Reunification, My Fault for everything.

Coming up...