Objective 3: Participating

This week the objective is participating. Some might say "external meditation"...

But really, it's interacting with the environment around you without too much analytical thinking. It's really hard for me to do...and I think, a whole week! Shoo-ee I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try!

So what are some examples of participating? One obvious example is conversation or in forums when speaking with other people. Listen, form thoughts, and jump in! Learn as you go, don't stop to think about what you're going to say or have said...just let yourself flow. Another example is at work. Don't just follow your routine and be an automaton -- fully throw yourself into it and grow from that experience. Making decisions with a significant other or coworkers? Dive into it and provide your opinion.

Are you afraid of participating? I know I am...but I was reading an interview with Nelson Mandela today, and he said that courage was not the absence of fear, but the overcoming of fear. Yes, yes, we've all heard that before...but I thought back to Nelson Mandela's autobiography, in which he describes himself as shy when he was younger...and I think to myself. Self, I say, what if he is such a brave and corageous hero today because he overcame so much fear when he was younger and afraid of everything? Maybe my fear of things is my greatest virtue, as long as I do right by it...

Maybe the only thing to fear is NOT fear itself, but actually the inability to overcome fear. And participate.

So participate away, cheer yourself on while doing it, and don't let those obstacles get in your way!!!

Emotional Disturbance

Howdy all!

So this weekend I spent a bit of a rough time recovering from depressive thoughts. They were a little too intense for me to get out of, so I made an appointment with my therapist today and this is what she said! :)

Today my therapist told me that I like to control my relationships and that controlling other people is impossible. She told me I set so many expectations for the boys that I date, that they become frustrated. Apparently, I ask them to do something and say that then I'll trust them...but then keep asking them to do more and more things. The key to my escape from frustrating, caustic, and argumentative relationships is letting go of my need to control and accepting that I must decide to trust that person until I have evidence indicating otherwise.

And the moment I even THINK about that, panic begins to set in. It begins with a little feeling of unrest in my stomach, and a small voice in my head that grows louder and louder, shouting NO! It spreads to the rest of me until I feel like springing out of my chair and running away from the source of discomfort, running until I can't go anymore. Yeeks!

How do you let go of control in a relationship, but still trust? How do you keep from lining up an obstacle course for your significant other, but still let him know that you are worth him living up to some standards? How do you know, absolutely KNOW that most guys will cheat at some point in their lives -- being genetically engineered to do so -- and yet, still trust them? It's like jumping into the fire after you've already been burned by the hot pan on top of it!!! This is what my mind thinks and doesn't want to let go. It holds on to these thoughts like it's having a tug of war with my therapist. But even if my thoughts win the tug of war, what do they have? A piece of rope.

So what is life without trying for love? What is love if it's just going to end up hurting you? Why have I held onto such antiquated thoughts of love for so many years? The thought of letting go of my romantic notions just makes me want to give up living (not really just being dramatic), but the thought of holding on makes my rational side cringe in anticipated pain... Yeeks, I say!

Yet I'm working on it...what do I know anyway. What if I just concentrated on this month, this year, this decade? What if I thought of love not as a lifetime commitment, but just your connection with someone that you'll never forget. Maybe the thing to strive for is not everlasting love, but that bond that lasts through the years, cuts through barriers, and leaves you a better person no matter how it ends. Some connections will end sooner, some later, but if you just trust the strength of that connection, you will always have love with you.

I still feel panicky...

Objective 2...

I don't think I really like this objective. I am always questioning myself and why I feel things, to the extent that I think I do it too much and think about it too much.

I really think the key for me is not obstacles, but just letting myself feel the emotions while repeating what I know to be rationally true over and over and making me listen to myself. :-)

Has anyone had any success with this obstacles thing? I think given that I really don't like and/or understand this week's objective, I'm going to start next week's early. Starting today, I'm going to throw myself into whatever I'm doing. No more spacing out, worrying about other things that have happened that day. No more texting while I'm out with other people. No more being a slave to my phone no matter what I'm doing. I will attempt to fully concentrate AND participate in whatever I'm doing.

Why did I choose to do this right before going to a meeting where I don't know anyone??? Eek!!!

I'll write a more formal post on the objective on Sunday, but I just wanted to vent my frustration and plan of action before that.

Objective 2: Identifying Obstacles Toward Changing Emotions

This week's objective requires a little more introspection than last week by examining the function of emotions. Why do we experience guilt? Is it because we have done something wrong, or is it because we have been taught not to be angry or assertive...thus we feel guilty when we are those things? Deriving the function of your emotion will help you take a step to changing your behaviors.

According to Ms. Linehan's book, there are a handful of primary emotions, such as anger, sorrow, guilt, joy, anger, shame, fear, surprise, etc. These emotions serve to inform us more on how we feel about a situation. Secondary emotions come from learned reactions, such as feeling guilty because you feel angry. Or feeling guilty for being happy. How about feeling disgusted at yourself for feeling sad? Anyone? I know I've experienced that one a few times...

Emotions are reactions to situations that we encounter in life. Sometimes one event can trigger a strong emotion, and it is human nature to feel that emotion the next time that same event is encountered. This week, though, allow yourself to question whether you really need to have that emotion for that event... Sometimes the emotion is legitimate and you should always act on it -- such as fear when encountering a tiger in a jungle. Sometimes; however, your emotion is just a part of a cycle that you have the power to break if only you allow yourself to reach past the emotion and question the function, the purpose, of it.

This week, don't focus on changing anything. Just build yourself a good foundation for the change. Allow yourself to question your emotions and where they are coming from. Do they need to be there? Could the situation turn out differently than the emotion dictates?

I'm sorry this post is a little obscure...this is a difficult objective for me to understand, much less explain. Hopefully I've done a decent job and it's somewhat helpful. Thanks for reading!

Cheerleading Begets...Anger????

I must confess, I've been pretty angry this week. I hadn't been able to figure out why things that I would usually sail through with flying colors made me so angry these past few days.

I could always chalk it up to stress, that time of the month, Really Annoying People (RAP)...and I bet all of those had something to do with it. :)

However, I started thinking tonight on the fifth day of cheerleading myself to stardom, that it might be the cheerleading itself that is generating my anger. Maybe I believe that if I am a great person and worthy of cheerleading, I should be treated like a great person who is worthy of cheerleading? Does that make any sense? It seems that I'm getting irritated with everyone else for not realizing how great I am, like I'm feeling entitled to a certain type of treatment. One might say that cheerleading has made me self-righteous to believe that I deserve better than working hard all day only to be yelled at because I didn't finish something. To believe that I deserve better than working hard all day and realizing that I have no plans for the weekend because I have very few friends at this time. Etc, etc...

So tomorrow I try to find the perspective in which I am a spectacular person, but that doesn't entitle me to anything. I don't want to be a martyr -- thinking that I am spectacular it's just that nobody knows it yet. I don't want to be bitter -- thinking why doesn't anyone know I'm spectacular? I want to be happy even if I am the only one who knows that I am spectacular.
...and to play a drinking game with the word "spectacular" :)

Does anyone else have this issue? How do you know that you are wonderful through and through without letting it make you feel entitled?

I feel so proud of myself for figuring this out...what has made you proud of yourself this week?

Intro and This Week

INTRODUCTION

I've been called too emotional, I've been told to calm down. The actual need for me to regulate my emotions and to calm down didn't start hitting me until recently, after calling it quits on the second relationship in my life in which I allowed myself to envision an ever after - happily or unhappily. Much wiser now about all of my faults, I have endeavored to journey into the world of managing my emotions instead of letting them loose in whatever form they choose to take.

Every week there is an objective, a skill to put into practice that you may use to manage your emotions. One of the major overarching objectives of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is mindfulness - achieving a peaceful state that is between the emotional mind and the rational mind. Mindfulness takes into account the emotions one is feeling about a situation and the rational thoughts one has about a situation.

GOAL FOR THE WEEK

This week I'm working on cheerleading statements. I needed it because I've been sliding into depressive mode lately, thinking that the world owes me something and that it's everyone else's fault that I'm not getting my needs met.

Officially, cheerleading statements are those in which you tell yourself it is OK to ask for things, it is Ok to assert yourself if you really care about something, and it is OK to say "No" to someone if you need to.

My take on it was just cheerleading in general. For example, I felt a little chunky one morning and told myself I looked fabulous anyway. The next day a random (and gorgeous) guy at a coffee shop told me I looked beautiful.

That same beautiful day at my job, I was yelled at by my clients twice for things that weren't my fault. I tried telling myself that I was fine, that it wasn't my fault (it really wasn't)...but my brain wasn't listening. However, driven by this week's goal, I persisted and insisted that I listen to my positive messages. It started to work! I was still sad but, drying my tears, I knew that while I could cry I didn't need to let these things ruin my day.

I've been so used to putting myself down all of my life so that other people could be my cheerleaders that this week has been really difficult for me. The guys that I dated who really held a mirror up to me and made me see myself - they've been their own best cheerleaders. Their self-support has driven me nuts! What was I supposed to do while they were cheering themselves on? They were taking my job away! And why would they expect compliments from me when they were so hung up on themselves?

Now, I understand that certain people are hung up on themselves, but I'm also beginning to understand the value of being your own cheerleader, your own best friend.

The second part of this week's goal is imagining yourself being successful in different situations. Imagine yourself going through a rough situation and cheer yourself on! Think of exactly what you would do or say to make the situation a good one for you, and KNOW that you will do or say it. Then, tell yourself you kick ass. Because you do. :-)