There is nothing like life to question your morals, and to test how strongly you'd like to stick to them. As I maneuvered through my childhood and into adolescence with depression (undiagnosed) that manifested itself through anxiety in social situations, a debilitating and overwhelming sad feeling at the pit of my stomach, and tantrums in my teenage years (oh yes I still have them and people describe them as chemically triggered shut downs), I realized I was no match for the overwhelmingly normal kids who flaunted their normalcy in the classrooms. I was ugly and unlikable, oh and UNLIKE anyone else so obviously I was wrong. My family reveled in being different, but I didn't. I saw value in getting along with others, not proving how much better than others I was! And either way I was wrong -- either way I didn't get along with either crowd I just told myself how awful I was in any situation I found myself.
Jessica was home schooled in the middle school years and found herself in much the same insecure state that I did when she came back to the public school system in high school. Who wouldn't? Honestly, seeing how much her plight was like mine, I loved her for it. At times, she was so humble and honest, I felt like I was talking to another version of me and the connection was amazing. She was able to thrive more in HS, which I wasn't, and there were times that she'd try to bring me up with her. She'd tell me how pretty I looked, I looked like a model, or she'd let me help her on one of her projects. Other times, she'd remind me how much of a loser I was, and convey to me how frustrated she was by the lack of eventfulness in our lives. She would even get angry and not want to talk to me, because I didn't have anything to offer her. This set an excellent stage of my being the lesser, pleasing servant; and her being the better, more amazing overall, person.
End of Chapter 2...now we stroll on to college, where I chose, subconsciously, to get away from my childhood influences. How was I so wise to do so? I wish I knew...it was one of the smartest things I've ever done.
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