Emotional Disturbance

Howdy all!

So this weekend I spent a bit of a rough time recovering from depressive thoughts. They were a little too intense for me to get out of, so I made an appointment with my therapist today and this is what she said! :)

Today my therapist told me that I like to control my relationships and that controlling other people is impossible. She told me I set so many expectations for the boys that I date, that they become frustrated. Apparently, I ask them to do something and say that then I'll trust them...but then keep asking them to do more and more things. The key to my escape from frustrating, caustic, and argumentative relationships is letting go of my need to control and accepting that I must decide to trust that person until I have evidence indicating otherwise.

And the moment I even THINK about that, panic begins to set in. It begins with a little feeling of unrest in my stomach, and a small voice in my head that grows louder and louder, shouting NO! It spreads to the rest of me until I feel like springing out of my chair and running away from the source of discomfort, running until I can't go anymore. Yeeks!

How do you let go of control in a relationship, but still trust? How do you keep from lining up an obstacle course for your significant other, but still let him know that you are worth him living up to some standards? How do you know, absolutely KNOW that most guys will cheat at some point in their lives -- being genetically engineered to do so -- and yet, still trust them? It's like jumping into the fire after you've already been burned by the hot pan on top of it!!! This is what my mind thinks and doesn't want to let go. It holds on to these thoughts like it's having a tug of war with my therapist. But even if my thoughts win the tug of war, what do they have? A piece of rope.

So what is life without trying for love? What is love if it's just going to end up hurting you? Why have I held onto such antiquated thoughts of love for so many years? The thought of letting go of my romantic notions just makes me want to give up living (not really just being dramatic), but the thought of holding on makes my rational side cringe in anticipated pain... Yeeks, I say!

Yet I'm working on it...what do I know anyway. What if I just concentrated on this month, this year, this decade? What if I thought of love not as a lifetime commitment, but just your connection with someone that you'll never forget. Maybe the thing to strive for is not everlasting love, but that bond that lasts through the years, cuts through barriers, and leaves you a better person no matter how it ends. Some connections will end sooner, some later, but if you just trust the strength of that connection, you will always have love with you.

I still feel panicky...